Thursday, August 10, 2006
Thinking Again
I've been thinking again and I've come to the conclusion (through conversations with my sister Krissie and the encouraging words of you who commented on my other post) that I've, in a sense, lost myself. I don't know who I am anymore and, at least right now, I don't like who I am becoming. I've also lost my sense of purpose, I mean ultimately I know that my purpose is to glorify God in all I do, but beyond that I have no clue. I know that I need to get my focus back on Christ instead of myself and instead of James. I need Christ as my first thought when I wake and Christ as my last thought before I sleep and recently that has not been the case. Even being constantly in the word, and constantly praying, my focus still isn't where it should be and I know that's big part of my problem right now. When I lived in Valdosta, Ga my relationship with God was like nothing I've ever experienced before, that was the closest I've ever been to Him in my life. Since I left Valdosta, I haven't been the same and neither has my relationship with God, and I miss that tremendously and in many ways want it back. It's not so much as wanting that exact moment in time back or even wanting to be that same person, I know that's not possible, it's more of wanting the closeness I had with Christ back. I'm not sure how to get it back either, I mean as I said I'm constantly in the Word, I pray all the time, and I'm going through at least three devotional/self-help type books every time I have my quiet time, in fact I've just picked up a fourth. I do feel slightly better than I did when I wrote my last post but I'm still having a hard time dealing with myself and how I think about things and just generally how I look at life. As I'm sure you can tell by now, I'm not a very positive person; I have a tendency to see the bad in situations before I see the good, if I see the good at all. It's hard to really say what's going on except that I've lost myself. I dunno, I'm trying to trust that God has some sort of great knowledge or something to teach me through this very painful trial that I feel like I've been in for a long time. I'm tired of being in the dark; I want to see the light. I'm tired of being scared of things I don't need to be scared of, I'm tired of my insecurities bogging me down and in turn I take it all out on James which he doesn't deserve. I'm sure it doesn't seem like I'm a little better by this post, I think I have a tendency to be a bit more dramatic, if you will, when I write than if I was speaking to someone in person. Anyways, thank you for your continued prayers, words of encouragement, and attentive ears, they are always much appreciated. :-)
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7 comments:
Leah my dear~
Isaiah 41:8-10 "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for
I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with
My righteous right hand."
You are a new creation in Christ and there is a great purpose for you. Perhaps part of the journey is accepting that there IS a purpose, but trying not to focus so much on finding it, instead considering the lessons along the way. Seeing the forrest for the trees...
Also, go and buy a copy of the book, "The Heartache No one sees" by Sheila Walsh. order it from amazon if you need to. I am barely into it, but I can see already, it is a fantastic book. Extremely encouraging. I checked mine out from the library, but I am going to go buy one. Take heart- We're praying for you, for both of you!!
i wrote something today that ended up being for you. it wasn't how i planned it really, it just happened.
i don't have answers either...when it all comes down to it, i am just encouraging you to hang in there. because i DO think things will get better and i DO believe there is a purpose. and whatever you have lost, you will find more.
this is what happened to me...i got to about 23 and realized that the person i thought i knew was not the person i was becoming. so i did feel very much lost. if you could only see my journal entries from back then. i have hidden them all, because it seems like a world away, and they are so scary and sad. for a long time i wanted to go back and be the person i was before i got married and moved away, the one who knew God better and understood life more.
but i never got back there, leah. no amount of reading and praying would take me back. instead i forged ahead into new territory, unwillingly. darkness is scary, especially when it feels like all of the light is behind you or beyond you.
but it's okay to be who you are today, this very moment, imperfect, confused and searching. it will lead somewhere. don't give up. i think kris is right...go with the flow as much as you can without striving so hard. the striving can be almost pointless, because things become clear as they become clear. sometimes it doesn't matter how hard we try and clarify them ourselves.
maybe right now in your life is a time when your purpose is more simple. live in europe. be with james. adjust. get to know yourself as a woman and a wife in a strange land. perhaps that is all God asks of you, to do those things and keep loving him. HUG.
"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted; and save those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18
Leah- listen to Mary. She just wrote what I have been trying to say, but couldn't articulate. I keep thinking of that song by Michael card, "Joy in the Journey" (ask james to play it for you if you havent heard it). Just take a deep breath and try to rest in the truth that perhaps you are already IN the place God wants you to be for now, constantly seeking him and willing to grow ;-) That's a great place to be... I know it's easier to say 'hang in there' than it is to do it sometimes, but you muct just cling tight and take a deep breath. Invite God to fill your empty spaces, and then let Him. Because he will. He will fill you up to overflowing and give you the strength that you need to continue on. I love you! I am praying for you!!!!
Gosh, I have such amazing friends or rather family I should say, 'cause that's what you all are for me. I'm sure it doesn't seem like it by my posts but your encouragement and words and prayers, of course, do help tremendously. Yesterday was better, and today is also not bad. Tomorrow (though I'm trying not to think too much ahead these days) will be better too. James and I are going on a river cruise with a wine tasting. We'll get to see some more sights of Germany and will be spending the whole day together which will be fantastic! I'm looking forward to it.
Thanks again you guys, I love and miss you all.
I am reminded of Job. Remeber Job? He lost everything including himself. God took all but his very life away from him. He certainly didn't understand his situation and was even so bold as to claim innocence. One of my favorite passages in Scripture is Job 38-41. An incredible picture of who God really is! After reading this passage I think think of Jesus being born. Here is the fullness of of God in the frailty of man. In Jesus we see who we are supposed to be. Jesus is God carrying our humanity, purifying us through His death and resurrection and perfecting us by bringing us into the presence of His Father by His ascension. There He now sits, unitied with us, defining us. That's who we are as Christians; sons of God and heirs to the throne, to His throne. What makes us who we are in life is how we react and respond to what makes us who we are in death. Who we are in death is guaranteed, sealed by the Holy Spirit. In this life we are pilgrims and site-seers, not city-builders; it's not called a spiritual journey for nothing! Walk the path that's before you and if you walk it knowing who you are in death, then when you stray in life you will be brought back by Him who keeps you.
Amen to Jared. WoW. Remember what I told you- this place is not your home ;-) What a network of support you have! God is SO good.
hey girl, i hope you had fun today seeing more of germany and tasting the wine! have you tried riesling??? YUM! i used to like the sweeter one, but now i love the dry and semi-dry ones. it's one of the few wines i actually know something about. we don't drink that much in this house. ;)
when you have those moments of just enjoying the view, or the taste of wine, or a moment with James, please remember that it is GOOD to have simple joys. I think we can honor God in so many ways, including those times when we soak up His beautiful world. HUGS!
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