Something I should never be allowed to do because it never does me any good. Has peace ever escaped you every chance it got? It sees you coming and runs as fast as it can in the opposite direction and knowing that you yearn for it makes it run all the faster? Or is it really that I'm running from it? More than likely that's the case, but why would I do that if it's what I want so badly? I once had a coworker who every time I'd walk up to her she would call me peace. There have been others that have said the same thing about me. Please don't think I'm bragging because I'm not, I'm just incredibly baffled by her observation and I don't understand how she came to that conclusion. I asked her about it once and she said that whenever I walked into the room she just felt peace, I still don't understand. How could that be if I don't have peace myself? Maybe I did back then but it sure eludes me now.
In my devotions, either this morning or yesterday morning, I read something about waiting for hope. You are at a point so distraught that you can't even see hope, yet you still have faith that it will come and so you wait for it. Joy and everything with it is gone, there is no hope, not in your vision at least, but you wait all the while still thinking to yourself, "Maybe my Father can see it, maybe the light still shines in His eyes." And so you trust that and try to move on, but you can't. You've always had hope to rely on but it's been taken from you, it's like a piece of your soul is missing, and yet you still wait.
Waiting, something in my Christian walk that I've never liked doing or receiving as an answer to prayer. I could always manage to get through it though because I had hope which gave me peace. And now I've been told I must endure without either and it sucks. And what's worse is how I'm dealing with it, which is not well and I'm dragging James down with me. This whole marriage thing is hard, before it was just me and God and I could hash things out with Him and myself, no one else to really bother with my issues/problems. But now there's another person in the picture that sees me down, loves me and wants to fix me but doesn't know how and I don't know what to tell him to help him feel better. To help him know that I'll be alright and that God deals with me differently than with other people. I guess it's hard to convince him that I'll be fine when I can't see it myself. All I have to go on is how things have worked in the past with my Father and that it, at least with me, takes time. Apparently I'm a slow learner or maybe I'm just stubborn or both. Don't get me wrong, I love James and I'm glad God brought the two of us together, I would have it no other way. I just have to learn how to help him deal with me when I'm down.
All I do know is I can't give up. I have to trust that hope will come bearing peace on His wings. I have so much to be happy about, I have a wonderful husband who loves me more than anyone I know, I have a roof over my head and food on my plate, I live in frickin' Europe!, I've gotten to see more than I ever thought I would, I have a family that cares deeply about me as well as friends, and my God rejoices over me with singing! And yet it still hurts to smile. I'm sure by now some of you are thinking I should seek professional help, but I can't do that, not yet, and I won't do it until my God says that's what I must do. I think right now that would hurt me more than anything else does. I'm not writing this to scare anyone, don't worry I'm not going to do anything stupid, writing is just very therapeutic for me, no matter how bad I am at it. Please continue to pray for us and thank you for the ones you've lifted up already, they are much needed and appreciated.
On a lighter note, Seth and Amber are getting married this Friday at 9:30am (I think, it may be earlier...) so congrats to them! I'm excited to see Seth found a wonderful and amazing woman to make his bride, I'm proud to call her sister. I love you guys and may God's blessings and grace be abundant in your life.
7 comments:
Leah- What a heavy bunch of thoughts. *deep sigh* I am so thankful that you shared some of what you are going through... I would encourage you to stay in the good word as you struggle. That way, each lie the enemy feeds you, you can combat with what you know is the truth. There's nothing worse than feeling barren of all joy and hope. It's a dark place to be and what's worse is you rarely can see the light that is inevidably at the end of the tunnel. I just want you to know that there is hope, weather you feel it or not. And we are praying for you, for both of you. Marriage is hard. it's hard work, that takes a lot of commitment and go-toitiveness.Both people must give 100%, not 50/50. Some days, it feels like all you can give is a mere fraction of that, especially, when you are struggling spiritually/emotionally. Best advice I can offer is for you both to continue to be patient with eachother, and supportive. (which I am sure you are!) Life can get in the way sometimes and all the miscelaneous crap makes it hard to remember that nothing can separate us from the love that IS Christ. I have much to say to you, I think I am going to stop here and try to pen an e-mail. Probably will have to wait until the boys are napping though, please call me if you want someone to talk to, I am pretty certain I could be of encouragement. LOVE YOU!
I e-mailed you at your gmail account ;-)
Hi sweetheart,
I can relate on so many levels. We have both had a lot of times like this, haven't we? Answers can be very slow in coming, and sometimes God sends them in unlikely ways. I think that it doesn't necessarily have to do with your faithfulness or lack thereof. We all have trouble...for some of us, it is our circumstances. Some of us have wonderful circumstances, but difficult emotional or physical struggles. Faithfulness doesn't always get people out of bad situations, just like it doesn't always make depression go away. I wish depression didn't feel like such a personal God-issue. Sometimes it is, but sometimes it's not. It's just something we have to muddle through while we trust Him.
He loves you. This I know.
It's funny timing for reading your post. One of my oldest friends told me tonight that I am basically a cheerful person. It totally baffled me. A journalist recently wrote that I am full of positive energy. Why do they experience this from me, when I often can't? I don't know. But I am glad that they experience it. Right? Your presence gives others peace. What a JOY to know that, even if you can't feel the joy, just the thought of it. It's just something God has placed in YOU as his special creation. You don't have to do anything, it's just there. Perhaps that peace others feel is associated with all of the trials you have made it through, with your quiet faith that has never failed you.
Jason has had to learn how to deal with my dark times too. And now he's had to learn to deal with my physical pain that has its own darkness. All I know is that our happiness cannot depend on each other. If he is doing well, I want him to flourish, even when I am down. I have asked him to FEEL FREE to do that, not to feel that he has to help me or save me. Just keep telling James what helps and what doesn't. And allow him sometimes to try his own methods. You never know, when he gets you to go out with him, you might actually feel better for a while.:) Sometimes Jason comes up with ideas, and I humor him, and they actually work.
Marriage is so complex. You are in it together, but in some ways you are still in life alone. James and Jason can't experience these things with us, and we don't want them to either! It's hard to realize that we are still alone even in marriage. One thing I pray for you is that James comes to the conclusion that Jason has come to. When I tell him I'm sorry that I'm hurting, and I'm sorry he has to deal with it, he always reminds me that it's much worse for me than for him. It really helps me that Jason doesn't "take on" my trouble and complain about it as if it's his own. It does affect him. Goodness knows he has had to pick up the slack and take care of me and be more than he thought he would have to be. But he is right, I have my burden that he can't bear. And he admits he wouldn't want to bear it.
The key is to just keep loving each other while you figure it all out. I pray that you will both have patience with each other. And I pray that you will not give up on hope, even though you can't feel hope with you. It is there, right beside you. I pray that God will embrace you and you will feel it, even a little. And I pray that you will talk to someone about it if you need to do that, that you will feel God's love and acceptance, and that He will send people to support and encourage you.
And I pray it will get easier over time. I don't know why dealing with this for more and more years has helped me, but it has. I don't lose all hope now. It's easier for me to feel that tomorrow is a new day, and that any day the fog could lift.
The hopelessness is not forever! You have felt hope before, and you will again. That peace that you give others will swing back your way. I pray it will be soon, even right now.
Hugs,
Mary
I went through the same thing when I lived in France. I never wanted to tell anyone for fear of what they would think. I got to the point that I wished I was dead. I can tell you from experience, God does not give up pursuing His beloveds.
Hey! You have a great support group. Listen to Mary (and Kris) she is wise as she is old...hehe just kidding, but I remember Mary when she was just 9 for crying out loud!! I love you!
Hi Darlin'
I can relate 100%. Marriage is hard. My first one was doomed from the get go. God told me there was better things ahead in my life and to stick with it, after all it was for better or worse...supposedly. Anyway my point being, Had I given up on hope and Patience waiting for an answer to My prayers, and left Jason when my mind first told me to do so, I would not be with the wonderful man I am with today, I would not have my gorgeous and amazing children. Chances are I would be in some dark lonely place in the furthest corner of my own mind. Which BTW is not a good place to be. And it seems to me that you are heading in that direction. Leah, Hold tight to the grace that God has bestowed on you and trust in his ifintite wisdom. He would never dish out any more on your plate that he KNEW you and he together could not handle. And as Children bring their broken toys to parents with tears for them to mend...You should take your every thing to God, and know that all will be handled in his time. Patience is a virtue, hope is a gift we are all given, but it is up to us to practice and use it. There is a timeline set in its place where it has been from the very beginning, God's blueprint for us each and everyone. And every moment from beginning to end already has it's given spot. Everything happens for a reason, and not a second before or after it's chosen time. In the meantime, keep your head high because you have every right to. I want for you all the world has to offer. I often find that if you cant find peace or comfort in yourself, The people who love you most can see right through the mask you wear to hide that emptiness. Cherish it. Let James sit with you, VENT, anything that is on your mind, no matter how extreme or simplistic. LET YOUR GAURD DOWN. He loves you. Let him hold you while you cry your eyes out.....That is what he is there for. Through Laughter and tears....sickness and health...you know the rest.
I love you girl, if there is anything that I can possibly do to help you, don't hesitate to let me know. Mmmwah! and a big hug too.
~Amber
Just thinking of you again. You put yourself "out there" in this message, and if things don't change...well, then what do you write? It's hard when you don't want to write about a big cloud. I just wanted to say that I think you're BRAVE and BEAUTIFUL. Never give up on life! Drain it dry! Squeeze some joy out of it if you can. Sometimes I just can't do anything, and that's okay. Sometimes I force myself to get up and do something, and the next thing I know I'm feeling accomplished and doing more and more. And the cloud lifts for a while.
If I could have had a little sister, I would have chosen YOU. Promise. Even with all of it. And I know it seems random, just like asking you to be my maid of honor. But you're just precious, and you capture people, and God is obvious in you. There is GOODNESS in store for you; trust me.
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