Something I should never be allowed to do because it never does me any good. Has peace ever escaped you every chance it got? It sees you coming and runs as fast as it can in the opposite direction and knowing that you yearn for it makes it run all the faster? Or is it really that I'm running from it? More than likely that's the case, but why would I do that if it's what I want so badly? I once had a coworker who every time I'd walk up to her she would call me peace. There have been others that have said the same thing about me. Please don't think I'm bragging because I'm not, I'm just incredibly baffled by her observation and I don't understand how she came to that conclusion. I asked her about it once and she said that whenever I walked into the room she just felt peace, I still don't understand. How could that be if I don't have peace myself? Maybe I did back then but it sure eludes me now.
In my devotions, either this morning or yesterday morning, I read something about waiting for hope. You are at a point so distraught that you can't even see hope, yet you still have faith that it will come and so you wait for it. Joy and everything with it is gone, there is no hope, not in your vision at least, but you wait all the while still thinking to yourself, "Maybe my Father can see it, maybe the light still shines in His eyes." And so you trust that and try to move on, but you can't. You've always had hope to rely on but it's been taken from you, it's like a piece of your soul is missing, and yet you still wait.
Waiting, something in my Christian walk that I've never liked doing or receiving as an answer to prayer. I could always manage to get through it though because I had hope which gave me peace. And now I've been told I must endure without either and it sucks. And what's worse is how I'm dealing with it, which is not well and I'm dragging James down with me. This whole marriage thing is hard, before it was just me and God and I could hash things out with Him and myself, no one else to really bother with my issues/problems. But now there's another person in the picture that sees me down, loves me and wants to fix me but doesn't know how and I don't know what to tell him to help him feel better. To help him know that I'll be alright and that God deals with me differently than with other people. I guess it's hard to convince him that I'll be fine when I can't see it myself. All I have to go on is how things have worked in the past with my Father and that it, at least with me, takes time. Apparently I'm a slow learner or maybe I'm just stubborn or both. Don't get me wrong, I love James and I'm glad God brought the two of us together, I would have it no other way. I just have to learn how to help him deal with me when I'm down.
All I do know is I can't give up. I have to trust that hope will come bearing peace on His wings. I have so much to be happy about, I have a wonderful husband who loves me more than anyone I know, I have a roof over my head and food on my plate, I live in frickin' Europe!, I've gotten to see more than I ever thought I would, I have a family that cares deeply about me as well as friends, and my God rejoices over me with singing! And yet it still hurts to smile. I'm sure by now some of you are thinking I should seek professional help, but I can't do that, not yet, and I won't do it until my God says that's what I must do. I think right now that would hurt me more than anything else does. I'm not writing this to scare anyone, don't worry I'm not going to do anything stupid, writing is just very therapeutic for me, no matter how bad I am at it. Please continue to pray for us and thank you for the ones you've lifted up already, they are much needed and appreciated.
On a lighter note, Seth and Amber are getting married this Friday at 9:30am (I think, it may be earlier...) so congrats to them! I'm excited to see Seth found a wonderful and amazing woman to make his bride, I'm proud to call her sister. I love you guys and may God's blessings and grace be abundant in your life.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Prague
Since James and I are in Vilseck, Germany right now, we decided that we'd go to Prague seeing as how we are a lot closer to it here than we are in K-town (Kaiserslautern, not sure if that's spelled right). So we did just that and this past Saturday we went to Prague. Neither one of us really knew anything about it so we both did a little research (James did WAY more than I did) on it so we'd know what we wanted to see while there. And so our adventures continue...
We started on the road at about 8:30am-9am or so and because the road system in Germany is a bit screwy we got kinda lost but not really. We ended up back in the town that we started from and this was using GoogleMaps mind you, so instead of continuing to try and use those directions we busted out our Tiger On Tour map book and went from there. No more getting lost after that, at least not until we got into Czech Republic and closer to Prague. When we crossed the border of Germany and Czech Republic we were told that we had to buy an autobahn ticket so we could drive on the roads there. It was kinda funny 'cause the guy we talked to, I believe was Czech, and we asked him in German if he spoke English...follow that? Right so before we left to get the highway or autobahn ticket we heard the guy say to someone he was standing with something about us being American. Oh well, what are you gonna do!
Alrighty, we're on our way again and we were fine until we got closer to Prague. We'd read stuff about driving around the city and it was recommended that we not do that but instead take a park and ride thing, whether it be a bus, train, taxi, etc. So we did that and had a hard time trying to find the station we'd tried to map out. Tack on another 45mins of wandering around and we actually arrived in Prague right around 12:30pm. Somewhere along the way James read something in our "Best of Prague" book that most shops close at 1pm on Saturday's, not encouraging...
We found however that most shops were open, we looked around a few for trinkets and souvenirs and didn't really find anything that jumped out at us. We walked around some more and found a HUGE square with all kinds of ornate buildings and lots and lots of people. We also found some people with horse drawn carriages there and decided to take a ride on one, it was most exciting! I love carriages, they're so romantic! Anyways the carriage ride took us around a small part of the city and showed us the way to the palace or castle of Prague.
The way to the castle was quite long and up a very very long set of stairs that were crowded with street vendors and people going both up and down the stairs. James and I stopped at one of the vendors because they had some cool looking leather bracelets that caught our eyes. I ended up getting one that James picked out for me, it's pretty neat. The castle itself was quite spectacular. Think of the most medieval looking structure you can picture, put all kinds of ornate paintings on the front, gargoyles on every corner and more, add beautiful, aged architecture and now amplify that by 100% and that's what it looked like! Amazing! I don't think our pictures will do it justice, though it seems pictures never do!
After that we walked around some of the shops that were near by still looking for some souvenirs, again not really finding anything. Then trekked back down the stairs, I almost fell a couple of times 'cause the stairs were made of small cobble stones that were very smooth and I was only wearing flip flops, no traction what so ever! But it was definitely much nicer going down the stairs than making our way up them! :-P
We found our way to the Charles Bridge which is lined on both sides with great statues of, I believe, saints and people who were famous in Czech Republic. I say I believe that's who they were statues of simply because we couldn't really get close to any of them 'cause there were SO many people! This bridge was also lined with all kinds of street vendors, people painting portraits and musicians playing traditional Czech music. It also provides you with a great view of the Old Town Square as well as the castle. If it hadn't been for the throngs of people I think I would have enjoyed it much more. I have a people phobia sometimes when it comes to large crowds of stupid people...
Anyhow, that was basically our trip. We were both pretty pooped after all the driving and walking around in the heat and people, so we went back to the train station, rode it back to our car, got in our car and went back to our hotel. It was a really nice trip though. Oh and, Heather, Prague says to tell you hello back! ;-D I do miss you girl.
Okay so I just found out that some of my info is wrong. Like the building I thought was the castle was instead the cathedral that's inside the castle walls and the music that I thought was traditionaly Czech music was actually Jazz music...oh well. I only went for the pretty architecture and photo ops, well not really but James definitely knew more about it than I did. You can read more about our trip on his blog. I forgot about our grumpy man at the park and ride too!
We started on the road at about 8:30am-9am or so and because the road system in Germany is a bit screwy we got kinda lost but not really. We ended up back in the town that we started from and this was using GoogleMaps mind you, so instead of continuing to try and use those directions we busted out our Tiger On Tour map book and went from there. No more getting lost after that, at least not until we got into Czech Republic and closer to Prague. When we crossed the border of Germany and Czech Republic we were told that we had to buy an autobahn ticket so we could drive on the roads there. It was kinda funny 'cause the guy we talked to, I believe was Czech, and we asked him in German if he spoke English...follow that? Right so before we left to get the highway or autobahn ticket we heard the guy say to someone he was standing with something about us being American. Oh well, what are you gonna do!
Alrighty, we're on our way again and we were fine until we got closer to Prague. We'd read stuff about driving around the city and it was recommended that we not do that but instead take a park and ride thing, whether it be a bus, train, taxi, etc. So we did that and had a hard time trying to find the station we'd tried to map out. Tack on another 45mins of wandering around and we actually arrived in Prague right around 12:30pm. Somewhere along the way James read something in our "Best of Prague" book that most shops close at 1pm on Saturday's, not encouraging...
We found however that most shops were open, we looked around a few for trinkets and souvenirs and didn't really find anything that jumped out at us. We walked around some more and found a HUGE square with all kinds of ornate buildings and lots and lots of people. We also found some people with horse drawn carriages there and decided to take a ride on one, it was most exciting! I love carriages, they're so romantic! Anyways the carriage ride took us around a small part of the city and showed us the way to the palace or castle of Prague.
The way to the castle was quite long and up a very very long set of stairs that were crowded with street vendors and people going both up and down the stairs. James and I stopped at one of the vendors because they had some cool looking leather bracelets that caught our eyes. I ended up getting one that James picked out for me, it's pretty neat. The castle itself was quite spectacular. Think of the most medieval looking structure you can picture, put all kinds of ornate paintings on the front, gargoyles on every corner and more, add beautiful, aged architecture and now amplify that by 100% and that's what it looked like! Amazing! I don't think our pictures will do it justice, though it seems pictures never do!
After that we walked around some of the shops that were near by still looking for some souvenirs, again not really finding anything. Then trekked back down the stairs, I almost fell a couple of times 'cause the stairs were made of small cobble stones that were very smooth and I was only wearing flip flops, no traction what so ever! But it was definitely much nicer going down the stairs than making our way up them! :-P
We found our way to the Charles Bridge which is lined on both sides with great statues of, I believe, saints and people who were famous in Czech Republic. I say I believe that's who they were statues of simply because we couldn't really get close to any of them 'cause there were SO many people! This bridge was also lined with all kinds of street vendors, people painting portraits and musicians playing traditional Czech music. It also provides you with a great view of the Old Town Square as well as the castle. If it hadn't been for the throngs of people I think I would have enjoyed it much more. I have a people phobia sometimes when it comes to large crowds of stupid people...
Anyhow, that was basically our trip. We were both pretty pooped after all the driving and walking around in the heat and people, so we went back to the train station, rode it back to our car, got in our car and went back to our hotel. It was a really nice trip though. Oh and, Heather, Prague says to tell you hello back! ;-D I do miss you girl.
Okay so I just found out that some of my info is wrong. Like the building I thought was the castle was instead the cathedral that's inside the castle walls and the music that I thought was traditionaly Czech music was actually Jazz music...oh well. I only went for the pretty architecture and photo ops, well not really but James definitely knew more about it than I did. You can read more about our trip on his blog. I forgot about our grumpy man at the park and ride too!
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
So Far Away
As much fun as it is to be able to travel like we're getting to I would much rather travel around the states to visit family and get to spend time watching nieces and nephews grow up and get to spend time with my brothers and sisters and my parents, both sets. I miss you guys like you wouldn't believe! I hate being so far away from you all, it's a lot harder than I imagined it to be.
Thanks to everyone for the anniversary wishes and cards and all that. James and I had a good day. We celebrated the Saturday before our actual anniversary by going out to eat at a restaurant that we'd never been to in our town before. They only reason we celebrated then was because we didn't know what kinds of restaurants would be out here in Vilseck. We did exchange cards though on our anniversary and ate at the restaurant that's inside the hotel that we are currently staying at, which was pretty good, and we had some wine later that evening. Very mellow. I wish James and I were more creative with planning things than we are, but we're not so, oh well.
Also thanks everyone for praying, it's been much needed and much appreciated and please keep 'em coming 'cause the enemy is not easily discouraged. Thanks again. I love you all so much and miss you more! Hope you are doing well, give yourselves big hugs from me (and James too)!
Thanks to everyone for the anniversary wishes and cards and all that. James and I had a good day. We celebrated the Saturday before our actual anniversary by going out to eat at a restaurant that we'd never been to in our town before. They only reason we celebrated then was because we didn't know what kinds of restaurants would be out here in Vilseck. We did exchange cards though on our anniversary and ate at the restaurant that's inside the hotel that we are currently staying at, which was pretty good, and we had some wine later that evening. Very mellow. I wish James and I were more creative with planning things than we are, but we're not so, oh well.
Also thanks everyone for praying, it's been much needed and much appreciated and please keep 'em coming 'cause the enemy is not easily discouraged. Thanks again. I love you all so much and miss you more! Hope you are doing well, give yourselves big hugs from me (and James too)!
Monday, July 10, 2006
Travel and Things
So I've been doing some thinking lately and I've come to the conclusion that if James continues to be serious about the whole Youth Minister thing that I really want to be a part of it and help lead it with him. Though I know I wouldn't be paid for my part, which is fine, I think it would be a great ministry opportunity for the both of us. I used to help out with the youth, mainly the middle school kids, at my parents church in Marietta. I loved it and it made me feel like I was actually using the gifts that God has given me to serve Him and I really miss it. I really hope this is the direction God is leading us because I think it would be such a blessing to us to be able to serve God and the church in this way.
On that note, part of what I've been thinking about doing is going through seminary or whatever it is that James will have to go through with him so that I can be up to par and be able to lead were I'm able. Also I've thought about going to school for music, though I might decide to just take lessons from someone, so that I can be better at playing the piano and singing and therefore be more able to help James lead worship for the kids and all that fun stuff. I get more excited the more I think about it and since we have a few years before we can actually make this decision we'll have time to prepare ourselves a little better for the job, which is great!
It's nice to finally feel like I have some sort of direction or goal in life because ever since I was about 18 or so I had no idea what I wanted to do aside from getting married and having kids one day. I got the married part down surprisingly, I still can't believe I found someone who wanted to put up with me and my many problems! Kids can wait a few more years but I do want some eventually. God willing we won't have any until we are "trying" to have them. Speaking of kids I have to give a shout out of congrats to some friends from Valdosta, Justin (the guy that played and sang Nothing but the Blood of Jesus at our wedding) and his wife Kristen are pregnant with twins! They got married June of '05, I believe she's do in January, we are so excited for them! Anyways, bunny trail...There have been so many things that I've wanted to do that I couldn't decide what I wanted to go to school for, here's my list: Music (composition & vocal & maybe performance), video game design, writing/ journalism (mainly for being able to write books and such), floral design, fashion design, culinary arts, computer programming, web design, etc. I know there's more but I can't think of them at the moment. Out of all of those none of them were higher on my list than another, at least until now. But even so I still want to be able to do all of those things, I think they'd all be really fun so you could see my problem. However now that I have more of a certain goal in mind I have a better idea of what I'd like to study so that's very exciting for me! Yay me! ;-)
In other news, James and I are on the other side of Germany right now, closer to the Czech Republic side as opposed to the France side. Speaking of France, props to Italy for winning the World Cup! James has some sort of Army schooling he's got to do here for two weeks. Since we are close to Prague we are probably going to make a trip out there sometime while we are here, which should be fun! I love being so close to all these different places! If we get nothing else out of this Army experience aside from living in Europe and getting to see this part of the world, that's fine by me! I'm starting to think that's the only reason God allowed us (James) to join the Army, so we could see more of his beautiful creation and of course have this time of preparation, how cool is that!
So that's all for now except for HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO JAMES AND ME!!!!!!! Two years already, wow! I'm looking forward to growing old and getting all wrinkly with him!
On that note, part of what I've been thinking about doing is going through seminary or whatever it is that James will have to go through with him so that I can be up to par and be able to lead were I'm able. Also I've thought about going to school for music, though I might decide to just take lessons from someone, so that I can be better at playing the piano and singing and therefore be more able to help James lead worship for the kids and all that fun stuff. I get more excited the more I think about it and since we have a few years before we can actually make this decision we'll have time to prepare ourselves a little better for the job, which is great!
It's nice to finally feel like I have some sort of direction or goal in life because ever since I was about 18 or so I had no idea what I wanted to do aside from getting married and having kids one day. I got the married part down surprisingly, I still can't believe I found someone who wanted to put up with me and my many problems! Kids can wait a few more years but I do want some eventually. God willing we won't have any until we are "trying" to have them. Speaking of kids I have to give a shout out of congrats to some friends from Valdosta, Justin (the guy that played and sang Nothing but the Blood of Jesus at our wedding) and his wife Kristen are pregnant with twins! They got married June of '05, I believe she's do in January, we are so excited for them! Anyways, bunny trail...There have been so many things that I've wanted to do that I couldn't decide what I wanted to go to school for, here's my list: Music (composition & vocal & maybe performance), video game design, writing/ journalism (mainly for being able to write books and such), floral design, fashion design, culinary arts, computer programming, web design, etc. I know there's more but I can't think of them at the moment. Out of all of those none of them were higher on my list than another, at least until now. But even so I still want to be able to do all of those things, I think they'd all be really fun so you could see my problem. However now that I have more of a certain goal in mind I have a better idea of what I'd like to study so that's very exciting for me! Yay me! ;-)
In other news, James and I are on the other side of Germany right now, closer to the Czech Republic side as opposed to the France side. Speaking of France, props to Italy for winning the World Cup! James has some sort of Army schooling he's got to do here for two weeks. Since we are close to Prague we are probably going to make a trip out there sometime while we are here, which should be fun! I love being so close to all these different places! If we get nothing else out of this Army experience aside from living in Europe and getting to see this part of the world, that's fine by me! I'm starting to think that's the only reason God allowed us (James) to join the Army, so we could see more of his beautiful creation and of course have this time of preparation, how cool is that!
So that's all for now except for HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO JAMES AND ME!!!!!!! Two years already, wow! I'm looking forward to growing old and getting all wrinkly with him!
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Okay so God's Amazing
Of course I already knew that but it never ceases to amaze me when He speaks to my heart just what I need to hear. For example, today one of the other officer's wives needed someone to drive her around because at the moment they only have one car. Normally I wouldn't be so opposed to doing so but she's always been slightly off to us. What I mean by that is she's always been kind of picky about when she wants to help us out with stuff and sometimes in how she treats us and I know that's no reason for me to feel the way I felt today but it's more than that something is just off. Anyways, so I didn't really feel like helping, didn't answer my phone when it rang, and didn't call her back until I was pushed (literally) to do so by God. In fact I was in the middle of my quiet time but I couldn't concentrate because I knew I needed to do the right thing and help her out. So I called her and went to pick her and her two kids up in my oven of a car (no AC and it's crazy hot!) and ran her to her errands.
When I got home I went back upstairs to finish my quiet time. One of the books I've been reading for my devotions is Come Away My Beloved by Frances J. Roberts. It's an excellent book but some of you may find it odd because it's written as if God were speaking to you directly. And believe it or not that's how God speaks to me, not just through books and His Word but through the Holy Spirit I hear His voice. Maybe I'm crazy I dunno. All I can say is He proved Himself to me when He told me James was going to ask me to marry him almost a year before James actually asked me. My point? Read the first paragraph again and then read what I read upon returning to my devotions today.
From Come Away My Beloved by Frances J. Roberts
Behold, I have brought you out of a dark and solitary land. I have given you a drink from My own hand. We have held sweet counsel together; for I have not called you servant, but I have called you friend. Yes, and I delight in your companionship. For I have seen your devotion, and I have observed with pleasure your thoughtfulness to those less fortunate who have crossed your path.
When you have encouraged the weary; prayed with the sick; lent help to the needy, comfort to the sorrowing, and understanding to the distressed, I count it as though you did it for Me, for I know that except for your love for Me, you would not make this kind of sacrifice.
Gifts may be given, prompted by many a selfish motive; but when you give yourself, often in the face of insults, returning good for evil, and yet receive further censure, this I know you have done because and only because you love Me first, and loving Me you find no place to hate any. For if a man loves God, truly he will also love his brother. And he will yet go beyond this, for he will show kindness and feel concern for the needs of even his enemies, and be moved with compassion to minister aid. (now skipping ahead to the last paragraph of this section)
So yield yourself to the moving of the Spirit in your heart, and minister as I arrange your contacts, without looking around to make your own choices. Leave the planning to the Head. This is My work. Let each abide in his place, yielding completely to My Spirit, nourished by My love, and ministering in self-sacrifice.
So I thought that was kinda neat. There is another section that from this book that really hit home for me too today that I'd love to share but if I continue typing now my wrist is going to fall off...
When I got home I went back upstairs to finish my quiet time. One of the books I've been reading for my devotions is Come Away My Beloved by Frances J. Roberts. It's an excellent book but some of you may find it odd because it's written as if God were speaking to you directly. And believe it or not that's how God speaks to me, not just through books and His Word but through the Holy Spirit I hear His voice. Maybe I'm crazy I dunno. All I can say is He proved Himself to me when He told me James was going to ask me to marry him almost a year before James actually asked me. My point? Read the first paragraph again and then read what I read upon returning to my devotions today.
From Come Away My Beloved by Frances J. Roberts
Behold, I have brought you out of a dark and solitary land. I have given you a drink from My own hand. We have held sweet counsel together; for I have not called you servant, but I have called you friend. Yes, and I delight in your companionship. For I have seen your devotion, and I have observed with pleasure your thoughtfulness to those less fortunate who have crossed your path.
When you have encouraged the weary; prayed with the sick; lent help to the needy, comfort to the sorrowing, and understanding to the distressed, I count it as though you did it for Me, for I know that except for your love for Me, you would not make this kind of sacrifice.
Gifts may be given, prompted by many a selfish motive; but when you give yourself, often in the face of insults, returning good for evil, and yet receive further censure, this I know you have done because and only because you love Me first, and loving Me you find no place to hate any. For if a man loves God, truly he will also love his brother. And he will yet go beyond this, for he will show kindness and feel concern for the needs of even his enemies, and be moved with compassion to minister aid. (now skipping ahead to the last paragraph of this section)
So yield yourself to the moving of the Spirit in your heart, and minister as I arrange your contacts, without looking around to make your own choices. Leave the planning to the Head. This is My work. Let each abide in his place, yielding completely to My Spirit, nourished by My love, and ministering in self-sacrifice.
So I thought that was kinda neat. There is another section that from this book that really hit home for me too today that I'd love to share but if I continue typing now my wrist is going to fall off...
The Sheep
I woke up with James this morning, had a hard time sleeping last night too. Anyways, since I was up I went into our guest bedroom and picked up some knitting stuff that I've been working on for a while and tried to do something different to see if I liked it better. I had the windows open and the fan going 'cause in Germany that's what they call air conditioning...Right so the windows were open and low and behold what do I hear?? The gentle Baaa-ing of the magical sheep! I still haven't seen them a second time yet but it renews my spirit (careful, if you read this you might get struck by lightning!) to know that I heard them this morning and I just had to share my joy with everyone.
In other news I've added a link to a photo page. There's not much there yet but check it out anyways, there's some cool pictures of Ireland and Germany and some of family. I'm going to add more soon so keep checking back for more photos of family and Scotland, Woot!
Before I sign off I have a request. If you think about it in passing, I ask that you lift up my spirit in prayer. I've been in a hard, long spiritual battle for awhile and it's become more difficult as of late and as a result I've become very weak and susceptible to Satan's lies. I can't give specifics but I would appreciate any prayer that can be offered, thank you!
In other news I've added a link to a photo page. There's not much there yet but check it out anyways, there's some cool pictures of Ireland and Germany and some of family. I'm going to add more soon so keep checking back for more photos of family and Scotland, Woot!
Before I sign off I have a request. If you think about it in passing, I ask that you lift up my spirit in prayer. I've been in a hard, long spiritual battle for awhile and it's become more difficult as of late and as a result I've become very weak and susceptible to Satan's lies. I can't give specifics but I would appreciate any prayer that can be offered, thank you!
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