just to let you know

i'm a work in progress. it's a painful and sometimes unbearably slow progress, but a progress none the less. some days i feel like its moving at unrecordable (is that even a word?) speeds and other days (like more recently, say the last few years) i feel like i've digressed into something i was a long time ago that i hate. i have good days and bad days just like everyone else, my good days are very good and my bad days are just horrible, and yet i have no real reason to complain. funny how that works. i realize life could be so much worse than it is, i mean i have what i need, a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food in my belly and an incredibly patient and loving husband that puts up with me and all my issues and believes i am capable of anything, believes i could do anything i want if i just put a little work into it. God bless him, even if he doesn't feel it or believe it all the time, i truly do love him in every way possible and am so very blessed and thankful to have him in my life.

i wanna be different, i wanna be so different than what i am. i don't want to wake up in the morning (should i actually happen to fall asleep), look in the mirror and see this sad person that i am staring back at me because i know deep down somewhere that's not who i really am. i want that confident and secure woman who didn't care what others thought or said about her and didn't care what others thought about how she looked or didn't look and who knew who she was and what she wanted, i want that woman back. i struggle every day, every day is a new or, more often than not, repeated battle with the enemy and the lies he spews that are so easy to believe. and i am sad to admit it but everyday he gains more ground that i don't want him to have. i feel like i'm fighting so hard but i keep loosing and my strength is waning. my body aches as a whole (soul, mind, heart, physical body, etc.) and longs for much needed sleep. that scares me as the Word says there is no rest for the wicked, am i wicked? seeing as how everyone is born in sin, i guess i am.

someone who was once a friend to me said she had a vision of me one night. in her vision i was on an altar and there was a fire burning all over the altar including over me. she said that even through the fire i willingly stayed on the altar, unmoved and at peace. every time the fire passed over me i was unshaken, i calmly bore everything God threw or rather allowed to come my way on that altar, is what she said. it seems like there was more to it then that but i don't remember. i can honestly say that i sure feel like i'm on that burning altar, however, i'm certainly not taking it as easily or as unmoved as i did in the vision.

i don't know what i'm doing wrong but i'm trying so hard to do everything i humanly can to fix it. yes, i understand that i may not be able to fix it, that God may have to do all the work but as a believer i can't just sit back and do nothing saying 'okay God, it's all You now!' i have to at least do my part whether it helps or not. it, this, won't last forever, i realize that too. in light of eternity it doesn't even matter, it's just a blip in time, so knowing that why do i care so much? is that my humanity, my sin?

i want nothing more than to be a servant, a servant to my husband, my family, my friends and anyone else God should place in my path, but most of all i want to be a servant for Christ and so far i've failed miserably at all or so it feels. yes, i have other dreams and interests but none above these. maybe that's why i have such a hard time "choosing" a career to go to school for, but i think it's more that i'm too scared of failing at that too. funny, i want to fly but i've clipped my own wings. they grow back every so often and i find the courage to do something and right when i'm about to take the plunge, i clip them again.

so what's my problem, a lack of faith? a lack of trust? a lack of belief? yes. but how do i get those back? i'm in the Word, i pray, i have quiet times most days and am reading different "self help" (for lack of a better word) books that are written by fellow believers. i also, as you all know, have asked for other believers to pray for me! what else can i do? and is what i'm doing not right? i wonder (part of what keeps me up at night, my stupid thinking brain!).

now you wonder, if you haven't already, why the heck is she saying all this stuff? my answer: just to let you know, i am okay, there is no need to worry about me. this is part of how i work through things, though i would still appreciate any prayers you may have or want to offer up on my behalf. thank you.

OH and now we are thinking Paris instead of London...? we'll see!