Epiphany

I just realized something while talking with my husband a few days ago and then again while talking with my sister in law today. I don't know how to say it other than I "hang in there". It's what I do. Maybe that is what my calling is, to endure life by "hanging in there". I have to admit, it's not as fun as it sounds.

Here I am, wife of a seminary student who hopes to be a youth pastor one day and mother of twin 9 month old boys. My life has changed drastically in the last 3 years.

My husband got home from Iraq at the end of May 2009 after having been deployed for 15 months. In August 2009, we move back to the states (we were living in Germany). In September 2009 he starts a completely different job, military to 2 year youth ministry intern. April 2010, we go on a missions trip to Peru with our church. Early July 2010 we find out we are pregnant. Late July 2010 I have a miscarriage. Early October 2010 we find out I am pregnant again. Late October 2010, we are in a 3 way car accident, all three cars totaled, we loose the newer car we had just finished paying off. Oh and did I mention that happened as we were on our way to my first prenatal appointment? Yeah. We weren't able to make it to that appointment, so I had to reschedule for the following Monday (the accident happened on a Friday). So again, late October 2010, find out the baby was fine from the accident and not only was the baby fine but they were BOTH fine...that is when we found out it was twins. January 2011 officially find out we are having boys. March 2011 my husband decides he wants to check out a seminary in the midwest (we were living in the south at the time). Early April 2011 we drive 15 hours to check out said seminary, spend one full day sitting in classes & exploring the campus, then drive 11 hours back "home". Mid April 2011, the decision was made to move to the midwest to go to said seminary. Late April 2011, our boys were born 5 weeks early. Late July 2011, we pack up and hit the road with our boys & my mom and move to the midwest. August 2011, my husband starts seminary.

February 2012 and we are still here. I hate to say this but it's the truth, I really don't like it here. Everyone said this would be a great place for my husband to go to school and that the community here would be great for us as a family. I disagree with the latter part of that, we (or maybe it's just me) are pretty isolated even with most of our neighbors being seminary students and their families. So what did a write all of the timeline stuff for, well, I guess it's just proof to myself that I can look back on and see that, yea, I do hang in there...a lot. Bottom line, it sucks and I'm tired of it.

What a great pastor's wife I'll make, oh boy! :P

awake one long night

from my journal march 8, 2009 at 3:00am

with a sigh goes my prayer, Holy Spirit interpret what you hear. Jesus Your blood covers all, please lift me up no matter how much i fall. i know You are doing some great work within me, to make me ever more like Thee. so before the burning alter i stand, willing to offer myself again and again. until the work You have started is complete and i lay everything always at Your feet. then Your blessings will all pour out and i will no longer be filled with doubt. on that day i will truly understand that i am always and forever in Your loving hands.

Am I Lovey?

Am I lovely? Trying to capture this beauty that I know lies somewhere deep within. "You are a strong woman" they say. Am I? How can you tell? What is it that you see? It cannot be this same woman who feels so alone in a crowded room or the one who, even among friends, feels abandoned. No it cannot be her. Not the woman who brings nothing but frustration and hardship to her husband. Nor the woman who cries for the loss of something she's never had. Certainly it is not her. How can it be? Am I lovely? Where is this beauty within? I cannot find it, but it must be here, I just know it is, somewhere...